I don’t know if this will do any good, but this is my very last attempt at getting help. I have no idea why I have chosen reddit to seek help but I am just following my gut.
So I have just gotten out of hospital. I made an attempt to end my life, obviously I didnt succeed becasue I am here, alive and typing this one last cry for help. I don’t know what to do anymore, I have had a traumatic life from young, I was about 3 years old when my hell started. My mum and I were fine and I was happy till she got back together with my dad. My dad is very abusive, not so much in the physical way (besides him touching me up in the bath when I was very little, which i only just remembered last year through my meditation and soul searching), but he is emotionally abusive in a very bad way. Needless to say its messed me up, because as a result of his abuse and my mums neglect, I am now at a crossroads. I am very suicidal, I am an escort (which I HATE and do NOT want to continue doing), I have NO self esteem and think very little of myself, I am a drug user which I also HATE and I am about to become homeless because I owe about $6000 in rent. Now I have to say my landlord is so good to me and I am grateful for his good heart, because no landlord out there would be so understanding if a tenant owed that much money. I owe this money because I fell behind because I have gotten ripped off on a few big jobs I did. I worked my ass off (literally) and never got paid for my work. I continually get mistreated and I am always failing. I dont want to be here anymore because i see no hope for me. I gave my phone and bank cards away on NYE to a guy I thought cared for me that I also thought I loved before I overdosed and ended up in intensive care. I almost died, and I kind of wish I did. They told me there is a conscious scale that goes up to 15 they said I was at a level 3. I started studying reiki which is the kind of feild I want to get into but I am so snowed under with all my problems I dont see that happening. I dont even know why I am writing this, I only know that I need help desperately. I cant tell my family because they are also broken, my sister is going through a crisis right now and is leaning on me and has no idea I spent new years till now in hospital and almost died because I cant tell her I am afraid she will try and do the same. I have always been the strong one for everyone despite the neglect, despite the gang rapes as a teen, despite the rejection from my family for almost 10 years, despite my fathers abuse and my low self esteem, despite actually dying and being revived from a nervous breakdown when my son was taken from me (no i was not on drugs then they tricked me because I didnt know the laws i was naive), despite being kicked out on the street with a 1.5 year old daughter by my ex husband and having to go to a refuge because my mother refused to take us in and then being blamed for having her at a refuge. There is much more, the list goes on. I dont know why I should stay here? I dont want to escort anymore I am practiacally ready to walk out and sleep on the street and just await my death. I dont know where to get help no one will help me and it all seems so overwhelming just the process. I dont know if you (who ever is reading this) have ever felt this way but I truly dont want to go on anymore ive always had to do it on my own without help and on top of that support everyone else. Its fair to say I am tired and worn out. I am not a bad person but something deep in my subconscious keeps telling me I am worthless and no good and pathetic and undeserving of anything. I ache deep in my heart with pain and sorrow, I miss my children I miss my smile and I just miss me (who ever that is because i honestly dont think I ever got to meet the real me). I just want to feel safe and loved and I never ever have I dont know what it feels like. I feel disgusting yet men want to sleep with me, some people say im attractive but I just see an ugly worthless no good reject when I look in the mirror. I dont know why I am typing this I guess I am just hoping for a miracle I have no more options if I end up on the street ill definitely make sure I succeed this time. Can someone help me? I am at the end of my tether if only you knew the pain I have inside I just wish someone would care enough to help me for once because I am too exhausted. I apologize if I have offended anyone or triggered anyone please understand that is not my intention. Thanks for reading
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